I went to the library on Tuesday with my mom.  We picked up a couple books and CDs my dad had on hold, and I got myself two books by Orson Scott Card, Ender in Exile and Treasure Box.  I have read a lot of the books in the Ender series, and I really like it.  My favorite is Xenocide.  The characters get into some of the Big Questions.  Of existence and such.  I am about halfway through Ender in Exile now, so I think, at this rate, I should be able to finish all of the Ender books this summer.

Wednesday I actually biked around town.  My plan was to get a membership at the YMCA so I could go swimming regularly.  Exercising, not playing.  Although, exercising is what adults call playing.  I ended up thinking a lot about money, since I am saving up for chest surgery.  Since a membership at the Y is about $100 for the summer, plus buying new goggles since I left mine at school, and running or biking costs nothing, I decided not to swim this summer.  I’ll get more into it during the school year where I don’t have to pay for a gym membership.  And the pool is outside!  I still biked around though, because I needed to go grocery shopping too.  With my thoughts on money, I realized that it would be a really good idea to get a job.  For one, it would give me something to do, and for two, I’d get paid.  While looking for Gold’s Gym, where I was planning to apply to be a lifeguard, I found this place that was a hotel, and arcade, a climbing wall, a waterpark, and who knows what else.  I figured a waterpark would need lifeguards, and I also have experience rock climbing.  I asked if they were hiring.  The kid at the desk said that they weren’t right now, but in the next couple weeks they’d probably be hiring more people for the summer.  I took an application.  I biked around the rest of the time stopping at places I might want to work.  This made me realize it would be a good idea to print out my resume and right a cover letter.

I was going to do all that writing on Thursday.  But I slept in until 1pm.  Oops!  I have serious insomnia problems and had a hard time going to sleep the night before.  I called my insurance company to see if I could get a straight answer regarding top surgery.  As usual, I got no answer, and I ended up feeling really upset about it for some reason.  I think I am very emotionally invested in this surgery happening at some point, so every time there is a setback, it is difficult to deal with.  The logic side of my brain realized that there are many obstacles and that surgery might not happen and I should be okay with that.  So, instead of wallowing and suffering about surgery, I just chilled out and watched some of The Office.  I figured that if I were biking, I would just be thinking about how upset I was, which isn’t productive.  I just needed to think about something else.  Sure enough, my emotions calmed down after a bit.  By that point it was too late to go biking, so I researched races instead.

It was one of my Big Plans for this summer to run a race with my mom.  Working out is so much easier when you have a goal to motivate yourself toward.  I ran a half-marathon over a year ago, and it was really fun.  I felt accomplished running that long.  When my mom came home, we worked together to find the best race.  I think we’re doing the Western Wisconsin Half-Marathon in August.  She found a training program that she used a while ago.  It’s 10 or 12 weeks, which is about the time I have before the event.  I think I can handle it, even though I haven’t run in a while.  I think it will make me feel better about myself.  Endorphins and such.  Regular exercise is good for all sorts of reasons.  I can even bike for cross-training.  We live on the edge of town, so you can turn to the right out of our driveway and be in the middle of farmland.

I saw my therapist for the first time since last summer today.  I actually woke up at a decent time and had plenty of time to get ready before driving there.  It was a good meeting.  She is a good listener, and is also realistic.  She knows a lot about mindfulness, which is something that I am working on.  I think it may be possible to figure stuff out regarding medical transition, but I am also not clinging to the idea.

My mom and I brought up a desk from downstairs and moved it into the empty study next to my bedroom.  A really helpful thing to do for insomnia is to keep your bed/bedroom just for sleeping.  And I’ve been using my bedroom for watching movies and doing work and everything.  I’m in the study right now, and it’s really nice.  It has one really big window, and a sliding glass door, so it is pretty and sunlit.  I started watching Sherlock, because I wanted to chill out a bit.  But I felt weird chilling in a desk chair, so I wrote this instead.


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