Compartmentalization

Trauma warning: talks of suicide, not mine, just in a movie.

I get really into movies.  And I don’t really have that barrier that keeps me from not feeling everything.  So when something sad happens in a movie — it doesn’t have to be a movie, it could be the news, or about someone I don’t know — I can’t help not being sad myself.  In an extreme way.  It happens more with movies, because it’s right there, and for dramatic effect, it’s really in your face.  I guess you’re supposed to feel something.  I was just watching a movie with my parents (I’m not going to say which one, cause I don’t want to give any spoilers), and one of the main characters kills herself.  I could sense that I was about to feel really upset.  I just wanted to sit in my room and cry.  But what I did instead was not pay attention to the movie.  I just had to ignore it. I thought about my earrings and new shoes. I thought about popcorn.

But I felt selfish and unfeeling.  Like I just didn’t care about her suicide, that all I cared about was myself.  You’re supposed to feel bad for other people. I am trying to think that it’s good to take care of myself, even if that means doing or thinking something unfeeling or selfish.  It’s weird though.  I’m so used to feeling everything. Usually when I make a breakthrough like this — do something that keeps my emotions stable that’s usually really hard — I feel proud of myself.  But this time I still felt weird and icky.  Much preferable to feeling awful and sad.  But it’s still weird.

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