“You look like an elf.”

This one time, at the waterpark…I was catching kids in tubes coming down the waterslide. This little girl, about 9-11 years old, gives me this really weird look as I’m moving her and her tube to the lazy river. She says, “I’m scared of you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s not your fault. You just scare me is all.”
“Oh…How can I not scare you?”
“You look like an elf.”
And then she leaves. I proceed to burst into uncontrollable laughter. I think I must have had a weird look on my face, because the next time she comes down the slide she says, “I’m not scared of you.”
“Oh yeah?”
“My friend told me that you were sad because I said I was scared of you. So I am not scared of you anymore.”
“Oh okay. Thanks.”


Gender Discrimination at the Y

I’ve been working at the YMCA for a while now. About a week and a half ago, my boss called me into her office. Among other things — like my having overwhelming emotions at work, holy shit who knew that guards were human — she told me that I was no longer allowed to use the men’s locker room. She said, “I know this is a sensitive issue, but we’ve received complaints.” I just mumbled okay to get out of her office, since I was already wiped out trying to convince her that I was psychologically healthy enough to work. I was extremely depressed for the rest of the day.

This is just plain fucked up. There are more serious things that could happen here, like being fired or beaten up in the locker room, or having to show a picture of my genitals to prove what gender I “really am.”. However, it’s still fucked up and it was completely inappropriate for her to ask that of me. One of the more practical concerns about this situation is that it leaves me no other options for locker rooms. We have a women’s adult, women’s and girls’, men’s adult, men’s and boys’, and children’s co-ed locker rooms. My boss said that I should use the children’s one; however, it specifically says on the door that it is not an adult changing room. While I’ve used it before, and I do look like I’m twelve, it is not appropriate at all for a 20-year-old to be using that room. I sure as hell am not going to use the women’s, and they would probably get even more complaints about a man using the women’s room. This leaves me with no options but changing in my car. This is unacceptable.

While I do not like the slippery slope argument (if we allow gays to marry, soon we’ll be allowing people to marry their dogs!), I feel that it is okay to use it in this context. The reason I am prohibited from the men’s room is more on the basis of my appearance and voice than my genitals, since I am hardly ever naked in there anyway for fear of having the shit kicked out of me…and I don’t like being naked in locker rooms anyway. The only reasons that my boss even knows that I’m trans is because I was open about it, and she’s seen my driver’s license that says F on it. This means that a man that’s short, has a high voice, or just threatens others’ masculinity by not being “manly” enough, could be kicked out of the locker room, since that’s the same reasons I was. I think everyone would agree that it’s not okay to kick someone out of a locker room because of how they look. This also could apply to a woman with short hair or something. If it’s about what’s in my pants or what letter is on my license, they would have to check everyone before they went into the locker room. It’s excessive gender policing. I think that people can gender police themselves well enough. Most people would agree that these scenarios I’ve drawn out are ridiculous and shouldn’t happen. But it’s equivalent to my particular situation.

It also makes it seem more okay to discriminate against me or other nonnormative folks. I could be fired because Y members don’t feel comfortable with their kids around a person with an ambiguous gender expression. I could be harassed, physically or emotionally. Every time I walk into a public restroom I’m afraid I’m going to get my ass kicked. I had felt safe at the Y, because they have a stick up their ass. But when I am treated as second class, as less than, it seems more okay to treat me like that in other ways. I’m sure the Y does not condone harassment, but when I am denied privileges given to everyone else in this building, what is keeping me protected? These scenarios are a bit more far-fetched, but that does not mean that I feel safe here anymore. It’s very uncomfortable and nerve-wracking to work here now. It’s fucked up to feel unsafe at one’s own workplace.

While this may not be a legal issue — transgender people are not protected from discrimination in Wisconsin — it’s still not cool at all. I appeal to the YMCA Core Values: honesty, caring, respect, and responsibility. These Values are posted everywhere in the Y. Lots of big posters with smiling children on them. The Y really does have a stick up its ass, and has very high standards for how we treat other people. I think that trust is the other side of the coin of honesty. You have to trust someone else to be honest with you. I expect people to trust me to be honest about which locker room I feel is appropriate for me to use. I trust that others in the men’s room identify toward that end of the spectrum that day or do not feel comfortable in any of the other locker rooms, or whatever. It’s not for me to question their presence, and people should trust my honesty enough not to question my presence.

Caring is feeling compassion for other people’s well-being, or at least acting that way. I no longer have access to some of the Y’s facilities (including a hot tub and sauna!), and I no longer feel emotionally and physically safe here. It is uncaring to think that prohibiting me from a men’s space would not hurt me. Additionally, it could have been said in a more caring way. When I was a counselor at Girl Scout camp, and it was troop camp with lots of moms and troop leaders, I was asked to “look less gay.” It was explained that they totally loved me for who I was and that it was totally unfair for them to have to ask that of me, but there have been lawsuits and big hullabaloos from parents about gay-looking staff members molesting their kids. It sucks. They said that I was free to dress how I wanted, but that I would be less likely to get sued for something I didn’t do if I just wore a skirt or something. If my boss at the Y told me that it sucked but I would probably be safer if I didn’t use the men’s room, it would have been a different situation. If she said that there was a high probability of harassment in the locker room because of the attitudes of some members, and that she was concerned for my well-being because the situation was out of her control, that would be caring. What did happen to me was carelessly hurtful.

Respect is treating everyone like equals, with the idea that there is no such thing as a second-class citizen. I expect to be treated with respect as an adult, as an employee, and as a human being, just like I respect others. When I am singled out because I’m different and expected to go out of my way to shield others from my icky existence, that is disrespect. It could be said that I should respect other people’s wishes to not feel uncomfortable in the locker room, that you should go out of your way to make others happy. But that’s stupid. It’s the same thing as wanting an ugly person to stay at home so others don’t have to see you. Or keeping people with disability out of public spaces because it makes other people feel bad. If a complaint is received about my using the men’s locker room, the response is not, “We’ll make sure he stays out of there,” but, “I’m sorry, but we respect all members’ right to use the locker room they feel is appropriate.” I’m really not that threatening, and I have enough self-respect to know that I am not less than.

I have many responsibilities here at work. I am responsible for people’s lives and safety. I am responsible for putting a friendly face on the Y. I am responsible for being a good role model to children. But I am not responsible for others’ discomfort about my body. The reason that the YMCA has such high standards is that it takes on the responsibility of being a leader in the community. I think one of the things it strives to be a leader in is anti-discrimination. Contributing to a world of discrimination is neglecting that responsibility. It encourages prejudice and ignorance, instead of openness and respect.

The first thing I did after the meeting with my boss was try to hold back tears and concentrate on guarding for the last half hour of my shift. Then I went home and sobbed, and talked to as many people as I could think of who could help. I contacted my therapist who gave me the name of the queer group faculty advisor at the university. I contacted the LGBT center in town. I talked to awesome cool college friends on Facebook. I contacted the Queer Resource Center at my college in California. No one answered though, and I had to leave messages. I think it’s pretty slow over the summer. I did have a good conversation with a college buddy though. Made me feel a little better. I also watched TV. It didn’t help that my parents weren’t home and I’d already lost my other job. My life felt really weird then. The QRC called me back about a week later, and gave me the number for the Transgender Law Center, which is mainly for California. They didn’t know much about Wisconsin law, and couldn’t help me out too much. They did give me contact information for the National Center for Lesbian Rights, since they were more likely to know about Wisconsin. But, I’m not a lesbian, so I don’t know if they’d know lots about transgender issues. I could contact Human Resources at the Y. I can’t trust they they would understand better than my boss though. I’m sure most everyone in Wisconsin is prejudiced against, or ignorant about, everything trans.

It’s exhausting being here. I feel like a freak and an outcast wherever I am. That’s why I’m having trouble making friends. I’m seen first as a freak, and then as a person. It’s that same mindset that allows my boss to think that it’s okay to ask me to not use the men’s locker room.


I know I haven’t made a post in a while, so I’m not going to pretend I’m going to start updating regularly again. I might, especially since I finished all my library books. I need a new series.

One of the things about me is that I suck at baking. I don’t know how it happens, but it’s a disaster every time. I made cookies last weekend and they stuck to the pan because I couldn’t find cooking spray. They chipped coming out. I once forgot that I had put cookies in and went for a run, so they were in there for a hour. Yikes! My worst one was when I made cupcakes. I filled them up too much and they overflowed. To try to catch the dripping cake-ness, I but a cutting board underneath the pan, since it was big and flat. Turns out plastic melts. I made awesome plastic art and a mess in the oven.

But I still keep on baking. It was my dad’s 47th birthday a couple weeks ago, and we haven’t had the time to celebrate it. My dad’s the man who doesn’t want anything, so he’s the hardest to shop for. I decided to get him a bag of pistachios and make him a cake. Tomorrow I’m going to buy some pistachio gelato! I’m making the cake right now while my parents are asleep, since they’re home all day tomorrow, and there’s no way I can make a cake that secretly. I went and bought everything all by myself. I got those number candles! I found a cake pan, and I found the cooking spray at long last! I got a bowl and started putting all the ingredients in, and…I put too much water in. I wasn’t paying attention and put two cups of water instead of one and a third. You can’t take something out of the bowl when you’ve put other stuff in already. That’s called entropy. So, I just did everything else right — and ate lots of the mix since it was yummy and chocolatey — and hoped for the best. And it came out okay!!! I put a fork in and it came out clean!! So now I’m just watching King of the Hill and waiting for it to cool so I can frost it and decorate it. It’s gonna be the best Dad’s Birthday ever!

I’m Back!

Okay, so I’ve been a bit of a slacker on blogging for the past week, but I promise you I wasn’t a slacker on anything else.  I’ve been working 7-8 hour shifts at the waterpark, which really exhausts you, I swear.  The first day I didn’t blog was when I went to the psychiatrist at Mayo.  It was just really hard, because I had to talk about how fucked up I was for two and a half hours.  I still don’t think that I’m in an emotional state to blog about it yet.  I’m doing pretty good though.  The current diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder.  I hate the name.  I don’t think my personality is disordered.  Geez!  But I like the treatment.  They increased my zoloft, since it was working and there were little or no side effect, and they prescribed a sleep aid.  They want me to do this “Dialectical Behavioral Therapy,” so we got a workbook.  It’s sort of about mindfulness and dealing with overwhelming emotions.  Whatever.

My job’s really fun though.  We rotate every 20 minutes, so it doesn’t get too boring.  And there’s frequent breaks!  And it’s fun to talk with people my own age again.  Everyone’s really nice!

My sleep aid is kicking in, so I’m gonna snooze.

6/10 8-mile Long Run

This run felt soooo good! I was looking forward to running – instead of dreading it – during work, which I think really changed my attitude. Also, it was pretty chilly. I wore the long sleeve shirt I got at the Huntington Beach run. It’s light and breathable, perfect for the temperature. After days and days of really hot runs, it was really refreshing. About at 3.5 miles, someone painted in big capital letters across the road “ACID.” Mom and Dad say that there’s a worn “4:20” as well, which doesn’t make sense because 4:20 is when you smoke weed. I had to go over and down a big hill right before 4.0 miles. Then I had to turn around right away and do it again. I was really pushing myself, speed-wise. I didn’t feel like I was trudging along, I really felt like I was going somewhere! I also ran a little different mentally. Usually I try to focus on the present second, and just think about the trees or my book and stuff. But this time I focused on the present mile. All I needed to do was to get to the end of that mile. That made me run faster, which made me get there faster too.

First Day on the Job!

At 1:00pm I went in for my job interview at the YMCA.  The building’s like a hamster maze, it’s so hard to find your way around.  It’s a lot more official and professional than the waterpark was.  The interview had a lot more “what would you do if” scenarios.  Like first aid, dealing with troublesome patrons, etc.  It was kind of grueling.  Then was the water skills portion.  Which was also kind of grueling.  Right away I had to swim 500 yds.  That’s back and forth ten times!  And I had already run today!  Right away after I did that, I had to demonstrate holds on a mannequin.  Then she threw the mannequin in the pool a couple times and I had to rescue it.  The pool was a lot deeper than I thought.  I ended up having some serious breathing difficulties.  And my ears hurt a lot from the pressure!  Once I couldn’t get all the way down to save the mannequin, and had to come up for air.  It was super embarrassing, but I figured it would be better for me to breathe than the mannequin.  I made an executive decision.  Even after that, I still got hired as a substitute lifeguard!  I got a shirt and everything!

At 4:00pm I had training at the waterpark.  I first had to fill out all the paperwork.  I-9’s and W-4’s and emergency contacts and all that.  It was a bit of a pain.  I spent a lot of the time chatting with the other people there.  Some were lifeguards, many were managers of some sort, I think.  They were very friendly and were asking questions and we were chatting.  It was really cool, since I hadn’t done that in a long time, chatting.  I only just now realized that I’m kind of terrified because I’m so out of practice making new friends.  I’ve been reading Be Different by John Elder Robison, and I’m seeing more and more of my Asperger’s-like traits.  It’s exhausting to think about my social flaws.  I’m sure it will be okay though.  I spent most of the time shadowing one of the supervisors, who was just lifeguarding then.  I learned about all the stations, what the rules are.  I learned about the slides, which was awesome!  I can’t wait to go down.  He says it wears off after a while, but for now the place is so exciting!  I was good with asking questions.  I left at 5:30, even though I could have stayed longer, because I had orientation at the Y.

At 6:00pm I had orientation at the Y.  I’d talk more about it, but I’m poop and I have to get up at 5 tomorrow morning.  It was really boring anyway.  I did earn money today though.  Yay!